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Rescue at sea
C.: You woke me up.
S.: Sorry, sir.
C.: Right, then. What's the problem, Seaman?
S.: Sir, there's an unidentified target off to the...the...the, uh, left of the boat.
C.: Port side, Seaman.
S.: Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
C.: Well, hand me the glasses, then.
S.: Sir.
C.: The binoculars, Seaman.
S.: Right. Yes, sir.
C.: Well, I'll be. Seaman, take a look at this.
S.: Sir?
C.: Seaman, I want you to step over here to the rail and take a look through the glasses.
S.: Sir, I wear glasses already.
C.: The binoculars, Seaman.
S.: Oh. Right. Yes, sir.
C.: Take a look there.
S.: I see something, sir.
C.: What do you see?
S.: I see an unidentified object, sir.
C.: Sea -- give me those. You see worse than our radar.
S.: Sir, yes, sir.
C.: That looks like a person out there, to me.
S.: A person, sir.
C.: You concur?
S.: No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. I mean, I'm simply responding, sir.
C.: Well, Seaman, would you agree that that's a person?
S.: Sure, sir.
C.: Good. We're going to change course a moment to investigate. If it's not a person, my report will confirm that you spotted a human in the water and suggested we change course, thereby costing the United States Navy approximately two hundred thousand dollars per yard off course.
S.: (swallows) Sir...yes, sir.
C.: Right. Navigator, take us eight degrees west by northwest.
N.: Sir, turning eight degrees west by northwest.
C.: Seaman, I want you to gather the ship physician and the dive master on deck.
S.: Yes, sir.
P.: Can we get any closer? I can't be sure.
D.: I can't see a thing. Too dark.
C.: Here, try the glasses.
D.: I wear contact lenses. It's too dark.
C.: The binoculars.
D.: Right, sir. Uh -- I still can't tell, sir. Looks like driftwood to me.
C.: Doctor?
P.: I can't be sure what that is.
C.: Navigator, swing us alongside a moment. Let's take a look.
N.: Yes, sir.
C.: Seaman, I want you to call out to that unidentified object.
S.: Call out, sir?
C.: I want you to ask if whoever or whatever that is needs help.
D.: They're floating in the ocean. I'd say they need help.
C.: Seaman. Go ahead.
S.: Uh...hello? Hello down there?
C.: With authority, Seaman.
S.: Right. Um. Hello down there!
C.: Oh, screw it. (yells) This is the captain of the U.S.S. Barcelona. If there is anyone within the sound of my voice and you need help, please respond.
S.: I don't hear anything, sir.
C.: Shhh.
P.: I agree, sir. I hear nothing.
D.: Wait -- you hear that?
C.: What?
D.: It, uh, just quacked.
C.: Quacked.
D.: Right. It made a quacking sound.
C.: Doctor, why would someone make a quacking sound?
P.: Well, if they were a duck or some other bird, they might make a quacking sound.
C.: Humans, doctor. Humans.
P.: Acute oceanosis might result in that.
C.: Can we safely assume that this person is unable to respond to our offer of assistance and therefore needs assistance?
P.: ... Uh, sir, you can assume that if you like.
C.: Seaman, get a rope.
S.: Sir?
C.: A rope, Seaman. You're going down there.
S.: Sir, I'm --
C.: Get a rope!
S.: Yes, sir.
D.: Sir, you're sending him down?
C.: Yes. The boy needs balls.
D.: Yes, perhaps, but I have an oxygen mask and a diving suit. Maybe I'm better suited for --
C.: Shut up. Go find your boyfriend.
D.: Sir?
C.: Go away.
D.: Yes, sir.
P.: Look, sir, I think I should say that I don't believe that's a person down there.
C.: Seaman says it's a person, it's a person. Anything other than that, it's on his head.
P.: Yes, sir. Should I --
C.: You should go away, too.
S.: I have a rope, sir.
C.: Good. I'll hold this end and lower you down.
S.: Sir, what if --
C.: Hang on tight, Seaman.
S.: Whoa!
C.: You alright, Seaman?
S.: I'm a little afraid of heights, sir. My hands are sweating.
C.: Is that a person down there?
S.: Uh -- sir, sorry, sir, but it's a duck.
C.: A duck!
S.: Sir, please, my hands are slipping.
C.: A (censored) duck!
S.: Sir, I -- agh!
C.: Seaman?
S.: (glug)
C.: Swim, Seaman!
S.: (sputter)
C.: You can swim, can't you? You're in the (censored) Navy!
S.: (blurp)
C.: Huh. Well. Uh, attention. All men on deck. Man overboard.
P.: So it wasn't a duck?
D.: I swear I should be down there.
C.: No, not a duck.
P.: It was a person?
C.: It was Seaman.
P.: But he was --
C.: Shut up. Let's go get the boy.
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