 |
Snafu, Inc. (A Fubar Co.)
M.: I suppose you're all wondering why I called this meeting.
G.: Not really.
E.: No.
D.: Nah.
B.: Nope.
S.: (shrugs)
R.: ... Don't look at me. I'm in management.
M.: Okay, well. The reason we're having this meeting is because I am secretly -- seriously, I mean, seriously -- dissatisfied with the quality of work being done here. I mean, yes, we're doing nice work, but we're not. We're chasing the wolves here, people. And you can't chase the wolves without a big truck. What is our truck? The strength of our marketing team. That's our truck. And it needs to be bigger. We need to take that truck down to the corner store and pump up the tires until they're double the size they are now. Yes, B.
B.: Well, I was just thinking, if you inflate the tires to double-size, they'll just pop and the truck will be useless.
M.: ... Uh -- yeah. Right. Excellent, B. You see, this is all part of my strategic plan to make our company the biggest and best in all of this state.
G.: Shouldn't our goals be larger?
M.: I'm sorry, G. What?
G.: We should be the best on this coast, or the best in the country, or the world.
M.: I think we need to focus on the market that's within reach here.
G.: I just thought, you know, big goals mean big efforts mean big ideas mean big achievements.
M.: ... Right. Well, whatever. See, we're chasing the wolves, people. Chasing the wolves. In a big truck. But it's too small. So.
R.: So what M. is trying to say is --
M.: What I am trying to say is that we're hiring two new people to do some work around here. Because you are our truck, and the truck can only get bigger by adding people to it. So we're adding two people.
D.: Wait, I don't get it.
M.: We're hiring two people.
D.: I'm confused.
G.: (whispers) This from the woman who blew our taxes and raised a red flag, resulting in an audit.
S.: (laughs)
M.: We're going to expand the reach of our influence by strategically inflating our development and business family.
D.: Oh.
M.: One will do all of our web site programming --
R.: See, E. is a little overwhelmed as a programmer right now. Because he constantly has to worry about making sure the office is clean and the plants are watered.
G.: But that's not his job.
R.: Well, he's falling behind in his work because he's worrying about these things.
G.: Yeah, but that's just a personality problem of his. He'll find something else to worry about that will stop him from programming.
M.: No, because we're hiring a real programmer to do all of the programming. E. will, from now on, just worry about the office and water the plants.
E.: Because I'm so stressed out.
G.: Will he take a pay cut?
M.: This isn't the place for private discussions like this.
G.: I just wanted to throw that out there.
S.: Yeah, so do we get a raise from the extra money from his pay cut?
M.: Look. Stop it. Let's get back to what we do. Chasing the wolves. So we're getting a bigger truck. We're adding a programmer to our staff --
G.: (whispers) Bet he's only getting eight bucks an hour, the loser.
S.: (laughs)
M.: -- and also a guy who will handle maintenance of all of our web sites.
G.: Does that mean I'll finally get to do my job without the distraction of doing someone else's job?
M.: No, you'll be helping him with it. He's strictly an updates man.
G.: What am I?
M.: You're a graphics man.
G.: Exactly. I'm not going to do updates any more.
M.: Yes you are.
G.: No.
R.: G., look, we really need the team to be a a hundred and ten percent, and --
M.: You are the core of our team.
E.: What about me?
R.: You're the plant waterer.
G.: If I'm doing my job and updates, I want a raise.
S.: Yeah, I want a raise, too.
R.: You don't earn what you're making now!
S.: I do, too.
M.: We can discuss this at another time. Your review is in eight months.
G.: I should mention that there are two other companies considering me for a job now.
M.: (censored).
R.: G., can we talk in the other room for a moment?
M.: (censored)!
E.: Look, I can be just as valuable as a plant waterer as I was as a programmer.
M.: You are a (censored) horrible programmer!
S.: So I'm confused. Who's getting the big new truck?
| |
