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Friday night at the cinema
B.: Want to go see a movie?
O.: Hey, yeah. Let's go see Minority Report.
B.: (snorts) Minority Report? Ooh, yeah, let's watch Pretty Boy Cruise bounce around with aliens.
O.: Aliens? It's not about aliens. Is it?
B.: Yeah, it's all about Pretty Boy running around with space ships and crap.
O.: Oh. I thought it was supposed to be more like a whodunit set in the future.
B.: Pfffft. Right. Like anyone would make a movie I'd actually want to see.
O.: So what else can we see? There's The Bourne Identity.
B.: Uh. No.
O.: But --
B.: Don't ever mention, ever, Matt Damon. To me. At all.
O.: Hey, he did that one really good movie.
B.: Which one? Good Will Hunting? No. I don't think so.
O.: What, you think Ben Affleck was the real talent there?
B.: Please. Look, just don't bring up either one of them. Ever.
O.: Well, I thought that The Sum of All Fears was really good.
B.: Yeah, you would.
O.: Fine. What do you want to see?
B.: There's nothing in this town I want to see.
O.: Come on. Gotta be something.
B.: Look, you want to know what's wrong with this town? It's overrun with big chain theatres like Century and Loews and suddenly -- boom! No more little moviehouses showing good movies. Instead we get Hollywood smack shot up our butt. And we accept it.
O.: Look, I just want to see a movie. I don't want to get into the whole elitist movie thing.
B.: I don't like movies. I like films.
O.: ... Shoot.
B.: What?
O.: You're one of ... those.
B.: One of those?
O.: You're one of those. If the movie cost more than a million bucks, you don't wanna see it. You're like Ebert!
B.: Please.
O.: Seriously. You look at Ebert's reviews, he always gives indie 'films' four stars. Every single time. Not even based on what they are -- just because they're small art films, and therefore they appeal to a limited audience, an elitist group of film aficionados of which he considers himself a part, and he slams the rest of the movies out there because they're throwing their weight around and cutting corners.
B.: (snorts)
O.: Fine.
B.: Fine what?
O.: I'm going to the movies alone.
B.: No, come on.
O.: Look, there's, like, forty movies in this town tonight. You telling me we can't agree on one?
B.: We can agree. Look, there's this one film I've been wanting to see really badly.
O.: What is it?
B.: It's called Monsoon Wedding. See, it's about this Punjabi family that has an arranged wedding in New Delhi, and the bride is supposed to marry this American and leave her home to be with him, but she's in love someone else, and there's tension and conflict and emotion and reality and --
O.: Yeah, but on the other hand, there's Spider-Man, which is full of glee and laughter and come-uppance and cheers.
B.: Spider-Man? God.
O.: I'm sorry. I'm not watching a movie about a wedding. I hate weddings. I'd rather watch something escapist and fun. Don't you know anything about the joy of movies? Popcorn and grease and sticky floors and bad lighting and explosions and shouts and gunfire?
B.: Look, I used to go to this theatre in a big city that had only two screening rooms with big leather seats and they showed small films and I was often the only in the theatre, and that was what made me love film. The appreciation of it as art.
O.: Look, I just want to see something that makes me happy.
B.: Well, if a movie doesn't make my heart hurt, it's not worth my money.
O.: I don't think we're going to see a movie tonight, are we.
B.: I told you what to see.
O.: Screw it. I'm going to rent The Rock and buy a case of beer.
B.: You're going to watch a Bruckheimer flick? Willingly?
O.:
B.: Fine. Sorry. Go.
O.: Be sure to tell me what happens to the Punjabi girl.
B.: Oh, I already know. I read all the reviews beforehand.
O.: That takes all the fun out of movies, though.
B.: Look, I don't go for 'fun'. I go for emotion.
O.: Nothing's emotional if you already know it's coming.
B.: Yeah, well, I get to see how the actors convey that emotion, and I have to know it's coming to appreciate it.
O.: Whatever.
B.: Look, there's something special about it.
O.: Do you have any friends?
B.: I have friends. I have friends.
O.: When's the last time you went to a movie and got loud?
B.: But you can't hear the film if you get loud!
O.: You know, me and this girl went to a re-release of Grease once, and in the back row of a theatre filled with people, we danced to all the songs. That's movies.
B.: But --
O.: Look, go see your foreign language crap film. And when you're realizing how dull it is and admitting to yourself that you wish one guy would kill another -- but you know it ain't gonna happen because you've already read the script -- don't call me and ask if you can come watch Nicolas Cage blow up a prison, because I'll have so many people in my house cheering that I won't hear the phone ring.
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