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On Location, Day 1
D.: Alright, welcome everybody. We're already two days behind schedule, so we're going to go ahead and get started here. Everybody's made up and ready? Good. I've already met most of you, and most of you have worked with me before, so you know I'm all about speed and timing. We're going to be moving fast here. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you speak up now, or you're fired. Nobody? Good. Let's get going. T., bring up the lights. S., let's see the marker. Actors, take your places...and here we go. Roll camera.
S.: Roll camera!
D.: Roll sound.
S.: Roll sound!
D.: Everybody good? Good. And: action!
P.: Hey, wait up! Q., wait!
Q.: Oh, hi, P. You out for your morning run?
P.: Morning run? I'm chasing you.
Q.: Oh. What's up?
D.: Cut! Okay, Q.?
Q.: Yep.
D.: When you respond to 'I'm chasing you,' I want your 'oh' to sound like this: Oh.
Q.: Oh.
D.: Just like that.
Q.: Okay.
D.: And roll camera!
S.: Roll camera!
D.: Roll sound.
S.: Roll sound!
D.: From the top, people. Action!
P.: Hey. Wait up. Q.! Wait.
Q.: Oh, hi, P. You out for your morning run this morning?
P.: Morning run? I'm --
D.: Cut! Q.!
Q.: Yeah?
D.: 'Morning run this morning?' Are you nuts?
Q.: Sorry, I was riffing on the line there.
D.: Riffing?
Q.: You know. Ad-libbing.
D.: That wasn't riffing. That was botching a line. Do it right.
Q.: Whatever you say.
D.: I say do it right.
Q. Okay. I heard.
D.: Good. Okay, roll camera! Roll sound!
S.: Roll camera! Roll sound!
D.: Take it from the same place. And: action!
P.: Hey. Wait up. Q.! Wait!
Q.: Hey, P., what's up? You running this morn --
D.: Stop, stop. Cut. Cut! Q. Q., c'mon, what're you doing?
Q.: I'm acting.
D.: You're ignoring a two million dollar script.
Q.: You're paying me six million to read it.
D.: That don't mean you can change it. Recite the lines the way they're written.
Q.: The line sucks.
D.: Scuse me?
Q.: The line sucks. Why would he say 'You out for your morning run?' That's just lame. See, it was me, I'd say something like, 'Where's the fire?' That's a good line.
D.: 'Where's the fire.'
Q.: Yeah.
D.: S., you believe this (censored)?
S.: (shrugs)
D.: Look, Q.
Q.: Yeah.
D.: See this script? These pages I'm holding up?
Q.: Yeah.
D.: You realize this represents six months of a life here?
Q.: So?
D.: So. Somebody planned this script, planned every word. A studio bought it because of those words. I'm directing it because of these words. They're good words. They're good lines. You start changin the lines, you're messin with the product that was purchased. We don't come your house and start pulling screws out of your car, do we? No. Because that's the same principle. You're pulling screws out of this production. Stop it. Read the (censored) lines the way they're (censored) written. You get me?
Q.: Fine.
D.: No, say it. Say you get me.
Q.: I get you.
D.: Let's try this again, then. Roll the stuff.
S.: Roll the stuff!
D.: From the top, take four. Action.
P.: Hey, wait up, Q.! Wait!
Q.: Oh, hi, P. You out for your morning run?
P.: Morning run? I'm chasing --
Q.: Cut!
D.: Cut? You can't call cut.
Q.: I'm making six million dollars. I'm calling cut.
D.: S., you believe this (censored)?
S.: (shrugs)
D.: Q., what's the (censored) problem?
Q.: P. spit on me when he said his line. I need a break.
D.: Oh. My. God.
Q.: I gotta redo my makeup now and wipe my skin down with antiseptic.
D.: Q.?
Q.: Yeah.
D.: This how it's gonna be all the way through?
Q.: What're you talking about?
D.: This how it's gonna be?
Q.: This is how I work, man.
D.: This how you work. ... Okay, then. S., I want you get Q.'s agent on the phone for me.
S.: Okay.
D.: Q., we're gonna change your work habits, or you ain't workin here. Got me?
Q.: Excuse me?
D.: You heard me.
S.: Got her.
D.: What's her name?
S.: (shrugs)
D.: Q., what's your agent's name?
Q.: F.
D.: F., hey. This is D. We're down here on location. Yeah, that's right. Flight of the Punctuated Insult. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, actually, things aren't going so good. What? Yeah. Well, you tellin me. Why didn't you tell me earlier? (laughs) Yeah, I can see that already.
Q.: Let me talk to F.
D.: So yeah, we're running into snags. What kind? Well, your star's a priss, for one, and he's changing the script on the fly. Right. I know. Right. I know! Yeah, so Q. wants to talk to you. Okay. Here.
Q.: F.? Hey, listen, this is (censored). What? No. Nuh-uh. I -- no. Yeah. No. Really, I -- no. I won't do that. I won't do that. No. I said no, didn't I? They do not. They don't have that right.
D.: The right to terminate your contract? That what she's tellin you? Yeah, actually, we do. Read your contract again, Q. Fine print. You (censored) up our script, we (censored) up your career. Get me? S., get the producer down here, reinforce what I'm sayin.
S.: She's in Hawaii.
D.: Then we'll break for the day. Wasted dollars comin outta your back end, Q. That's in your contract, too.
Q.: I --
D.: Alright, everybody, that's it for the day. See you all back here at seven tomorrow.
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