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Conditional surrender
B.: Policeman.
D.: I've been thinking: purple just isn't my color. I tried on that sweater this morning, and it just, you know. Didn't work anymore. Have my eyes changed colors? I think that's it.
B.: D. Policeman.
D.: They used to be hazel, but then they sort of permanently got fixed on green. Now they're brown again. It's so weird. ... Oh, shoot. Why didn't you tell me there was a cop behind me?
B.:
D.: What do I do?
B.: Pull over.
D.: Just anywhere?
B.: Anywhere. You've never been pulled over before?
D.: No, no, no, no no no --
B.: Calm down. It's just a routine thing. You weren't speeding, were you?
D.: I don't know!
B.: Hey, easy, easy. Probably just got a tail light out or something. Look, here he comes. Just roll your window down -- before he gets here, don't make him tap -- and then let him talk. Okay? Don't look nervous.
D.: I'm nervous.
B.: If you're shaking, you look nervous. Stop it.
D.: Oh, God, here he is --
B.: Put the window down!
D.: (rolls down the window)
B.:
O.: Hello there, ladies.
B.: Hi, Officer.
D.: (shakes)
O.: Having a nice Sunday afternoon jaunt, I take it?
B.: Just out for a drive, yep.
D.: (trembles)
O.: That's good. A drive.
D.: (coughs)
B.:
O.: Well, look. Do you know why I pulled you over?
D.: ...
B.: (hisses) D., say something.
D.: I. Uh.
O.: This your first time being stopped?
D.: (begins to cry, nods)
B.: Oh, dear God.
O.: Well, no problem. How about I just run you through this quickly, make you comfortable?
D.: (nods)
O.: Okay. This is how it works. You do something wrong. I activate my lights and siren and follow you. You pull your car over. I stop my car behind yours and activate the video recording unit -- you're being recorded right now, in case you didn't know. Then I get out of my vehicle and approach your window. You open the window and I inform you of your offense. You then contribute a small fee to the Officers' Personal Safety Fund, I write you a simple warning, and let you go.
B.: Officers' Personal Safety Fund? Come on.
O.: (glares) Was I talking to you, miss?
B.: Geez, look, you can't just rob people cause you're a cop. It's not --
O.: (shouts) I said, was I talking to you?
D.: (chokes) She...she didn't...
B.: I, uh --
O.: THEN SHUT YOUR HOLE.
B.:
O.: ... That's better. Okay, back to the verbal tour. Now, if the suspect -- that's you -- refuses to make a contribution to the OPS Fund, the officer -- and I quote -- "may forceably remove the suspect from the vehicle in question and conduct morality observations upon the suspect. At the climax of such observation, the suspect may be released from the scene if compliance has been made. If the suspect has resisted such observation, the suspect will be formally arrested and transported to the Remote Officers' Morality Observation Lockup Unit, and further morality observations will be conducted by multiple officers to verify procedure is foll--"
B.: You're making this up! D., look, he's making this up, he's trying to tell you he'll let you off with a warning if you just --
O.: Shut UP!
B.: -- give him, uh, oral pleasure, or something.
D.: (gasps)
B.: Look, copper, everyone's seen Bad Lieutenant, you know. The law's on our side. People'll believe us. Plus this is all on tape.
O.: (unholsters gun) Tapes can be erased, lady.
B.:
D.: (screams)
O.: Shut up.
D.: (screams)
O.: Shut up!
D.: (screams)
O.: Shut up your friend.
B.: She does what she wants.
O.: (shrugs) Well, as long as her mouth is wide open...
B.: Hit the gas!
O.: Hey!
B.: Duck! Duck!
O.: (fires gun)
D.: He's shooting! He's shooting! He's shooting he's shooting he's shooting he's shooting he's shooting he's shooting he's --
B.: Shoot. I think he blew out the tire.
O.: (panting) You stupid girls.
B.: Run!
O.: Aw, crap.
D.: (running) They're not all like this, right?
B.: (running) Traffic stops? Not all.
D.: (running) Good.
B.: (running) But they only go this far when you don't cooperate.
D.: (running) What are you talking about? I was going to pay the ticket.
B.: (running) They don't want the money. They just want...you know.
D.: (running) Gross! How do you avoid it?
B.: (running) You don't. You just...do it.
D.: (stops) You do it?
B.: (stops) Yeah. I mean, unless you got the hundred-twenty bucks.
D.: Really?
B.: (nods)
O.: What're you girls doin back here?
B.: Uh -- my friend here wants to contribute to that fund.
D.: (whispers) No, I don't.
B.: I mean: she wants to take that morality test thing you were talking about.
D.: ... Right.
O.: Really?
B.: (nods)
D.: (nods)
O.: Okay. Hang on.
D.: Why's he going back to the cop car?
B.: Maybe for lubricant. I dunno.
O.: Okay. Here's your number 2 pencil. What you're gonna do is complete pages 3A through 49X. Make sure you fill in all of the little bubbles completely or the Scantron thing won't read em and you'll have to do it all over. There's a picnic table in that park over there. What say we just walk over and conduct the Morality Observation there? ... Hey, wait! ... Crap. ... (shouts) I'm not running after you again! Come back here!
...
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