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No. 124
R.: Hello.
J.: Hey, it's my readership again. What do you want?
R.: Simon.
J.: Oh, right. Sorry. Simon. Let me make that change.
S.: Thank you.
J.: What do you want.
S.: I'm a little confused lately.
J.: How so?
S.: You're writing very little. Are you dead?
J.: No.
S.: I just thought maybe you were dead, and had some machine like auto-publishing your last-written work.
J.: ... That's just moronic.
S.: I'd be careful with insults. I might not return.
J.:
S.: So why the gaps, then?
J.: You know, this really ought to bother me more.
S.: What's that?
J.: Having conversations with a hive mind representative of my readership.
S.: But it doesn't?
J.: ... No, not really.
S.: Good.
J.: I guess.
S.: So. Why the gaps?
J.: In my writing?
S.: In your writing. The gaps.
J.: I have no idea.
S.: See, I -- we -- think you're uninspired. That you must be going through some valley of bleakness or something.
J.: A valley of bleakness.
S.: Right.
J.: Now we see why I'm the writer and you're the reader.
S.: 'Valley of bleakness' is not bad writing.
J.: It's a little hackneyed.
S.: Hackneyed -- hang on...
J.: Looking it up?
S.: Hang on, hang on...
J.:
S.: Hackneyed. (mumbles) ... It's not!
J.: Yeah, well.
S.: It's not.
J.: Get on with it. I have to get about my day.
S.: Your day better include writing a new (censored) dialogue.
J.: It might. I don't know.
S.: I'm getting a little pissed off at you.
J.: Oh-ho.
S.: I'm serious. You write, like, twice a week now, and when you do write, you write crappy baseball dialogues that nobody cares about.
J.: I care about baseball.
S.: You're it, then.
J.: I would think that you, as my readership, would be interested in the things I'm interested in. Or else, you know, you wouldn't be reading, and wouldn't be my readership.
S.: That's not logical. Shut up. Write.
J.: What do you want me to write?
S.: It's a good thing you asked. We've taken a poll.
J.: You've polled yourselves?
S.: Right.
J.: Uh-huh.
S.: And 41% of us think that you need to write more about cats.
J.: Cats. From their perspective?
S.: Any perspective. Doesn't matter. And 18% of us think that you need to write more about persuasive siblings convincing parents to sign over their fortunes.
J.: That's mighty...specific.
S.: Yes. There are also 11% who want to see more discussions about Tunisian assassins and their roles in overthrowing Russian dictatorships, and 21% who would like you to show us more dialogues between famous people, specifically Ron Jeremy and Julia Roberts, and --
J.: The porn star? And America's sweetheart?
S.: Yes, and --
J.: That's just -- well, it brings to mind some interesting imagery.
S.: Yes, and --
J.: Disturbing imagery, actually, but interesting all the same.
S.: Yes, and we absolutely 100% unanimously agree that your dialogues don't include enough boobies.
J.: That again.
S.: Yes.
J.: Well, here's a thought.
S.: I'm waiting.
J.: This is a dialogue -- between you and me, this is a dialogue. Right?
S.: Yes.
J.: Well, I'm male. You're apparently male -- you go by Simon, so...
S.: Yes.
J.: Neither of us has boobies to show. Besides, I sort of think you're just a strange, disembodied voice anyway.
S.: Well, (censored).
J.: Yep.
S.: This will disappoint everybody.
J.: Yep. Sorry.
S.: (sighs)
J.:
S.: You can do the cats, though? We really, really want the cats.
J.: We'll see.
S.: You don't understand. Really want the cats.
J.:
S.:
J.:
S.: R-e-a-l-l-y.
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